After reading this a few friends of
mine had a short debate on facebook on how true or valid the points
that were made are. Many points were good but I found the article as
a whole to be incredibly one sided and presumptuous. The female
author's board generalizations of reasons behind man's motives I
found slated. She made no real comment on how the church, society or
women effected these problems but the tone on Christian men's short
comings was almost accusatory. “Stop being scared or indecisive or
lazy or whatever it is ”. How encouraging does that sound? In her
cry for men to take action, author Courtney Gabrielson both missed
and re-enforced the biggest problem young men are getting today:
pressure.
Expectations have always been a
burden for both men a women to bear. However, what those expectations
are for women, is vastly different for men. I won't say these
expectations don't apply to both genders but the focus is clearly not
the same. This is especially true within the church. The focus for
women is to “be”, as in “be beautiful inside and out”, “be
a supportive wife” or “be a loving mother”. The male focus is
to “do” as in “lead your wife”, “provide for your family”
and “defend the gospel”. Gender roles are deeply ingrained into
our culture and our faith. As the world at large is changing and with
it the roles we play in it, not being able to adapt our expectations
is a major cause of this back lass.
A word that has been throw around in
churches but has never been well defined or illustrated first hand
for me is “courtship”. The concept arose from old practices of
arranged marriages. The idea would be that after a women reached
marring age, her parents would arrange meetings with eligible
suitors. These meetings would be supervised or monitored so it often
took place in the courtyard. After these meetings had concluded, the
bride would select he preferred suitor and then the formal engagement
would begin. This is the model that Christian dating is based on.
In the old model, men and women both
understood the procedure. As men being given the call to take action,
there's also a voice in the back of the mind saying “you better not
screw it up!”. Men only had so many chances to impress the lady
before she was off the market, so each shot was for all the marbles.
The pressure of first meeting her parents preset standards, then the
cost of gifts, travel and any other factors that would call for a
successful wooing all possibly came down to one meeting. This model
is completely different from modern dating yet we keep many of the
same traditions and procedures and attempt to apply it to a modern
mindset. This is what I see most times when I ask a girl out. I see a
woman whom I barely know, do everything I can to try and impress her
and a whole potential future is riding on it.
Of course this isn't how we should do
things in the 21st century, right? Well then, how should
we do it? A major problem has been our treatment of dating and sex
within the church. Church is great about covering marriage.. The
problem with the treatment of sex is 90% of what you hear about it is
“NOT TILL YOUR MARRIED!!!!!” and even after marriage, “only
with your spouse!!!” and that's it. The church has a bad tendency
to treat dating young dating couples as if they were already married
except of course, no sex. That leads to a ton of pressure to behave
in a marriage like fashion long before it's appropriate or even
healthy. In my 15 years of attending sermons, Sunday school and bible
study, I've heard a total of one teaching on what a healthy dating
relationship looks like. We have no structure to go off of, no
procedures to fallow but we still have that pressure of win her now
or lose her forever.
But wait, why does it have to be
this all or nothing approach? Can't we get to know each other, maybe
become friends before moving on to love and romance. If only it could
be that simple. Getting to know somebody would actually be ideal if
there wasn't that confusing, awkward and terrifyingly soul baring
attempt to transition from friend to “more then friends”. The
friends first method lead to the most painful rejection of my entire
life. I confessed my love and she simply didn't feel the same. She
was very kind and caring in letting me down easy and genuinely hoped
to still be friends after that but that just didn't work (it rarely
does). In the end, we had neither the romantic relationship I hoped
for, nor the close friendship we had before hand.
Being upfront about romantic
intentions always feels forceful, overbearing and desperate. The
other end of the spectrum is the dreaded “friend zone”. Having
spent time with a girl, spent money on meals and activities and
thinking that your growing close for her to one day say she met
somebody, will knock a guy off his feet. This usually makes us angry
and bitter. Thinking that we were doing everything right then being
passed over brings up feelings of betrayal, inadequacy and self doubt
often to the point of questioning our self worth.
An interesting point author
Gabrielson made was about men ignoring or being stand-offish toward
women. She purposed the motive was “trying to guard our (woman’s)
hearts” but also “because of the passivity and indecision of
Christian men”. The guarding of the heart isn't one directional.
Ever time I avoided a girl that I liked was because I wasn't prepare
to take my shot. Being afraid of rejection is a very pervasive
feeling and approaching a girl with intent usual requires a bunch of
mental preparation. When trying to impress a girl, every word feels
likes it's being graded so if we're not bringing our A game, we try
to get out of there, quick.
An observation that I made on this
article was that it was written by a woman and originally posted on
the woman’s support site goodwomenproject.com but all the
calls to action were directed at men. In my response, I want to be as
constructive as possible as a man writing main to women. Here are a
few of my idea's as to how you can help us solve this dilemma:
Ask the guy out. I'm serious. If
any girl I was even remotely interested in asked me out for lunch or
a cup of coffee I would immediately take her up on the offer. Men
have pretty much the same insecurities, doubts and fears that woman
do so being approached could be the difference between trying and
giving up hope altogether. This doesn't mean you have to all the
perusing either, just enough to get the ball rolling.
Make it clear that you are
interested. Subtlety sounds great, but how far has it gotten us? The
romantic notion of mystery is just that, a romantic notion. Not
being direct usually just leads to more confusion and that's half
the problem. I in no way mean this perversely but the reason male
animals fight over the females is because they can smell that
they're in heat.
If you want a mature dating
experience, behave like an adult. If you want a playful dating
experience, be playful. This isn't a course of the relationship
rule, it's a tone setter. The first date or two sets want your
standard behavior will be. Any avoiding or stopping tonal confusion
just makes life easier.
Break traditions but don't break
faith. Quite simply, if the same old thing isn't working it needs to
be changed. I'm open to new idea's and as long as they don't
conflict with the two great commandments, to love God and to love
each other, it may be worth a try. We need a new way to relate to
one another and the all or nothing mentality I've had drilled into
my skull has lead me to a lot of heart ache. Wouldn't it be great if
I and every man like me could believe it second chances and wasn't
terrified of romantic failure. I know I have to fix my issues but
fixing this broken dating system would help us all.
And for a final thought, for both men
and women, try not to force it. I was talking to a art classmate last
week and she mentioned that her husband doesn't get art at all.
“How'd he end up with you then?” I asked and very matter of
factly she responded “Well, we fell in love”. The pressure of
expectation, the fear of rejection and the sad prospect living the
rest of our lives alone. All these things are making us desperate.
If we loosed up, trusted in God and just did our best maybe we all
could simply fall in love.